i'm sitting here with my hand in my pocket and my hair in my face playing solitaire wondering if your going to message me or not.

i think i just want to see if you need me like you say you do.

how mysterious and useless of me.

i'm listening to music that makes me want to strain my ears to hear it. i'm listening to music you probably wouldn't like.

my legs are moving to the beat of the music. but its subconscious. it's just happening.

i'm wishing for the umpteenth time that i played drums. i would like an excuse to hit something somedays.

i feel like going for a walk. or if i were in better shape, a jog.

i want money and a destination. i want a place to go because this area is using itself up on me real quickly.

i'm not sure but i'm fairly positive that i'd rather be so many other places then here.

you haven't messaged me yet. and i can see you online. maybe this is pointless but it makes sense in my mind.

you know on my trip i had it in my mind to come back and say goodbye to you. you wouldn't have known that.

you surprised me today when you said you missed me. because i missed you too, but so often i get the feeling that what we're both feeling couldn't be anymore different from each other.

i think we're moving into friendship quicker then we thought or know now. it's just sort of happening like that.

you just went on away. you're sleeping alone tonight. and all day you were talking about how you were afraid and you didn't want to.

and all day i resisted the urge to tell you to get used to it now because someday it will be indefinate and you'll wake up every day holding a pillow [somedays tighter then others] alone.

i've done it for years now. years. you only have 10 days.

9 now, the count down begins.

part of me hopes and prays that she'll tell you she can't have anything to do with you anymore. part of you wants you to be alone.

so that it will go back to the way it was before. when we first started. before i was all that mattered to you. before things were different, and you know it.

i can't help but notice you put a lot of that blame on me. as if i could help who slept in your bed from this distance. i have no control over that, or you it seems.

if only that were a mutual feeling. but i'm trapped now. only i'm free as a bird. but its you who is stuck in me, in my heart.

thusly, i'm trapped.

i told someone else i like them today. it was a big step for me. mostly because they live close enough for me to go see them regularly. and i want that.

i want someone to look forward to seeing me. i want someone who looks forward to me being in their arms, and them being in mine. i want someone who will kiss me without me having to pucker up for them. someone who will kiss me just because they want to.

i could find so much happiness in those small things. i know i could.

i'm afraid i would get too used to it though. only to have it end up as nothing.

but i'm willing to take the chance. so willing.

you don't know this place exists and i will never tell you. i could write private things about you and keep them locked up forever. but here i have the security and openness in knowing that you *could* see this and the way i feel but you won't.

and if you do, oh well. if i were afraid i would have kept it locked up forever. i'm not afraid.

all i will lose is the feeling of being a coward on occasion.

the rest i will gain.

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to the person i told i like today :

hi. <3 i'm glad I told you. before we stopped talking for awhile i should have told you, because it's been that long. only i was mad at you for something stupid that i can't even think of. and i'm so sorry i wasted that time not talking to you. i hope i can make it up to you. and i look forward to flirting with you and sending you cute pictures and calling you and then going to see you.. that is, if you want all of that stuff. i think you do. i hope you do. and some of it you won't be able to help coming your way anyways.

i wonder if you'll read this. heh. take care darlin. xoxox <3

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Last Five:
- - 2005-04-16
- - 2004-11-21
-- - 2004-10-10
- - 2004-09-04
- - 2004-08-28