I just had a terrible day. And there's only one thing that would've made it better.

And that's that I didn't feel like I'm missing so much.

my father, my friends, the motherly things my mother should do, love, being touched (yet today i wanted to be touched NONE), having someone to call everyday and knowing they're glad to hear from me.

I want to close my eyes and open them to find myself in a new place. I want new skin. New body. And it would be mega cool if that all came with the New Car Smell.

I close my eyes. Open them. Nothing. I clench them and sqeeze them painfully shut. Open them. Nothing.

The same old grey tinged dingyness that I've grown accustomed to.

And the only time (the ONLY time) I feel this grey is when I am completely aware of my surroundings and what is lacking in them. When I am completely aware of the things I'm missing.

I cried for hours last night. And when I wasn't crying out right my lip was trembling and my face was frozen in that clay like state on the verge of tears. It was painful and it was empty, but it was full at the same time.

I'm in that place where things stop making sense. Or they make too much sense. I'm in that place where things that shouldn't hurt at all (because I'm stronger then that, I'm better then that, I'm more then that) hurt terrible. Searingly.

It's inside me now. Yeah, it's there. This place isn't visible on the outside. But I'm sure if you were sitting beside me now you would be able to feel it.

If you were sitting beside me now, maybe I wouldn't feel like this. Not you the reader so much as YOU the person or thing that is missing.

What is this feeling? How can you miss what you've never known? Maybe I'm just stupid. Maybe I'm wrong.

"And your so far away. And I'm sitting right here..."

I started the disagreements with my mother again today. Once a month we hate each other. But it lasts longer inside me these days. I want my own space. I want my own vase to throw when I feel like destroying something.

Yesterday I cried about having a father who is dead. Scuse my bluntness, but it bothers me to this day. And yes, it is a bit easier then it was when I first understood what it all meant. And no, it will never be okay.

Felt shitty all day today and the fact that he's not around and can't be is nagging at me. I feel sort of like a kid again, writing this. Almost ashamed of it. But, I won't go far into that feeling, because it isn't right.

I want to go to his gravesite tomorrow. But I don't drive and if my mom or sister don't feel like going I'm not going to push it. I just want to leave three red roses and tell him I love him. We didn't go Father's Day, because it would have been too hard.

I want to be cuddled and held by someone I'm comfortable enough with to let them do that.

There was a glimmer of a car accident tonight on the highway with Mike at the wheel. Sudden movements and tail lights fastly approaching, followed by more sudden movements. If you know me, you know this doesn't sit well with me. The phobia I have is deep seeded and will not die.

I on the other hand, will.

So I stopped breathing. And I nearly burst into tears. And I gripped the door handle. And Andrea tried to hold my hand and I shook my head no because I didn't really want to be touched. I closed my eyes so tight my eyelids should be bruised. But, I couldn't keep them closed for long, I had to see what was going on.

I didn't want to get back in the car with him after. I'd have rathered walk home. But, I didn't trust myself walking from where I was. And didn't want to be alone at that time of night.

I hate cars. I hate drivers. I hate drivers in cars who think where they have to be is more important than where someone else has to be.

I want to go to sleep and pretend yesterday and today didn't happen.

If I have one regret about today it would be that I didn't laugh and smile enough.

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Last Five:
- - 2005-04-16
- - 2004-11-21
-- - 2004-10-10
- - 2004-09-04
- - 2004-08-28