I feel so.

Un full filled.

I miss my father and there is no beauty in the world in this singular moment.

Earlier tonight I watched the road slip under the car I was carried in. That was beautiful. Although I wore a cloak of distrust.

And before that there were a few good laughs with friends. Or, people I call friends. I felt lower then them though. I felt miniscule and worthless though. And I don't think I know who they are sometimes. But there were glimpses of beauty in there.

And before that there was the smell of cut grass. However resented it was. And the feeling of mobility. However laboured it was. And while I complained, I see beauty in it now.

I cried today. Because I was let down again. And while I'm used to it now it still hurts. The sting bit down and I lost composure. If only for a minute.

I cried in the shower again. And tasted that full feeling of dispair again. It was sweet and salty and bitter all in one breath and I can see beauty in that. I just have to look real hard. Possibly squinting through the familiar blur.

Sometime before that I was laughing with my sister. And those are always good times. But I felt like an outsider. Gaurded by my own doing. Though there was beauty in her laughter and love in her eyes.

I miss my father and in this moment there is no beauty. I have a headache and a throbbing foot. And I'm so entirely engulfed with worry that this year is going to be like a mirrored reflection of last year.

I'm scared I'm going to have a bad birthday. Almost so scared that I don't want to have one at all. I'm worried that my friends are going to be bored or treat me like I was treated tonight. With people snapping like rabid dogs at me.

And I think I'd rather just disappear. Instead of aging some more.

I don't even think I'll get that for my birthday. The one thing I want most now.

I'm sorry. This is me trying to feel. And trying to share what I'm feeling. But this bringing myself back to life thing is more painful than I anticipated.

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Last Five:
- - 2005-04-16
- - 2004-11-21
-- - 2004-10-10
- - 2004-09-04
- - 2004-08-28