Do you know I used to steal?

Yes, I did. I used to go into work every day and take some money from their cash register. I never got caught because their cameras were never recording. And of course, I checked before I dipped into the till.

Bean knows about that. One time she called me smart. I haven't yet forgotten that. I hope I never will.

I used to feel alive because I used to do these things that were wrong as far as society was concerned. But they never felt wrong, and I never felt remourse or regret. And, as long as I worked there I didn't stop.

That was the only job I did that at though. I'm not stupid.

My point is that I used to feel alive. I used to relish, yes relish, these moments where I could get caught.

Like a nymphomaniac fucking in public. I loved it. And I didn't want to stop. Once I had quit there, I stopped of course. But, the spark didn't leave me.

I used to start work at a new job and size the place up. I would map out ways to steal $500 dollars at a time and then skip town. I had it all worked out. I had an actual plan in my head to do this. But, I never got around to it. And then I quit there too.

My point is that I used to feel alive.

I used to enjoy waking up every day. I used to be able to wake up and find a reason, automatically, to smile.

I have to work for it now. I have to search. I have to really struggle to smile. And sometimes, I don't bother. Sometimes I just forget that step of my morning. I go and pee instead. It's innate, and I don't have to work so hard for it.

I told someone today that I can't find a reason anymore. And that doesn't mean the end of anything. It means I'm starving for a new beginning. And I'm searching and struggling, but I can't seem to find anything. i cry instead. Its innate, and I don't have to work so hard for it.

Just to stop it when it comes in abundance.

My point is, that I may or may not be unraveling again. Again. I'm back to that place again.

I think I may have written this here because it will take longer to get discovered. And I don't even have to worry about waiting for someone to write to me and tell me that things will be okay. Because I know no one will.

My point is..I used to feel alive.

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Last Five:
- - 2005-04-16
- - 2004-11-21
-- - 2004-10-10
- - 2004-09-04
- - 2004-08-28