Things aren't fitting again right now.

I'm having an upsetting day. It's raining and it's gray and it would be so fitting if all of a sudden it started lightening a lot.

I would go out with my kite and key and see if a new idea would come to me.

I'm starving for something new.

I've had a history of feeling like an outcast. Unless I'm with the person who knows about everything there is to know about me, all the important little things that make me a big picture, I feel like I don't belong.

Of course, there are exceptions. There are friends I have who don't know ALL there is to know about me, and that's okay because it's not important. When I'm with them we're not talking about me or them, we're talking about things that are inconsequential.

Like video games and songs we heard. We're having a good time and that's important to me.

I wouldn't want to muss that up with stupid trivial details about me and my unhappiness.

Ah, a burst of lightening just struck. And a low growl of thunder.

Don't worry, I don't really have a kite.

As I was saying, I've known feeling like an outsider my whole life. Only, before I fit in with my family at least. We shared a common denominator of loosing a man who meant the world to us.

And of course, we still share that, but over the past ten years there has been a lot of filler.

And, I feel alone even when I'm with my mother and sister.

I never meant for it to come to this. In fact, I'd do just about anything to avoid it. But, I don't know what to do to make them see me.

I don't have neon signs that say "look at me, please." and I don't have a loud speaker to scream at them "see me, please". All I have is my own feeble hands to wave, and my own small voice to speak.

They don't wave back. And they don't hear me. I'm alone.

I ate dinner by myself tonight. I joined them at the table when they were finished their meal and I chewed quietly so as to avoid interrupting their after dinner talk.

I was there, but they didn't see me enough to include me in their dribbling words.

And, admittedly, I didn't really want to be a part of that. I don't really want to be included anymore. I'm growing up as my own person and I'm starting to really like who I am and who I'm not.

I want my own place to go home to. My own door to lock. My own couch to sit on. My own place.

I'm going to have to hold out for that.

But how much longer can I hold on?

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Last Five:
- - 2005-04-16
- - 2004-11-21
-- - 2004-10-10
- - 2004-09-04
- - 2004-08-28